Was I Bill Jemas' Ghost Writer?
A ribald old-timey revue, featuring the Scots Flying Monkey Battalion and Shakey Pervy Pete, the Inelegant Dinner Guest.
By Gail Simone
PANEL ONE: This is a large panel, of a huge restaurant floating in space on a big round platform. It’s obviously busy, as many ships are docked to the huge dome that encases it.
The restaurant has a mammoth Neon sign, with a robot version of Chef Boy-Ar-Dee in neon:
THE OLIVE GALAXY
Authentic Pre-Armageddon Italian Cuisine
and faux Italian accouterments. The Planet Express Ship is docked where we can see it, and our beloved crew is getting out. (If space provides, it should be parked at a handicapped docking port). This includes Fry, Farnsworth, Leela, Amy, Zoidberg, Bender and Hermes. Everyone is happy, except Fry, who is holding his back as if injured, and Bender, pointing his cigar at Fry angrily. Space providing, we might see a few other patrons entering or leaving, like:
1) A family of two headed mutants, pushing a hovering baby carriage, where the baby has two lollipops.
2) Two robots holding hands, obviously in love, in a tux and prom dress.
3) Anthropomorphized human/dog versions of Lady and the Tramp, both still chewing the same piece of spaghetti. Like, fur covered humans with dog faces and Lady and the Tramp coloring.
LEELA: Having a good time on your birthday so far, Fry?
FRY: Well, all except for that ROBOT MASSAGE. I think my SPINE is slightly dislocated!
BENDER: HEY! I spent TWO WEEKS learning SHIATSU for that massage!
AMY: I heard this place was really busy. Good thing you made reservations in ADVANCE, Hermes!
CREDITS AND TITLE:
The gang inside the foyer of the restaurant. A snooty robot who is quietly ignoring Hermes is behind the little greeting podium, yelling at a flabbergasted Hermes. The robot is labeled “Snoot-Bot 3000”. The podium has a small sign saying:
NOW SERVING NUMBER:
18 to the fourth power
(NOTE: Please don’t write out the words...I didn’t know how to do a little fourth power sign!)
Hermes, getting his angry bureaucrat groove on, as the Snoot-Bot points to a room full of cryo-chambers, several of which have people in them already. A sign above the entrance says, WAITING AREA. One of the cryo-tubes that is occupied might say, “Smith, Party of two.”
HERMES: But we’re hungry NOW, mon! What are we s’posed to do until a table open up, I ask you?
SNOOT-BOT: Well, you COULD write a sonnet or paint a lovely landscape...
SNOOT-BOT: Or you could use our complimentary cryo-tubes. I’m sure it’s not any of MY concern.
PANEL THREE: The crew, sitting around a table with a candle in a glass in the middle. A violin-playing robot minstrel hovers nearby. Everyone has a child’s birthday hat on his or her head. Leela is talking to a waitress and holding a menu. Note, we must see a pair of small salt and pepper shakers, metallic and futuristic.
CAPTION: MUCH, MUCH, MUCH LATER...
LEELA: Now, this ’spaghetti’ dish...it doesn’t have any OREGANO in it, right? I get UNPREDICTABLE and sometimes DANGEROUS reactions from oregano.
BENDER: I’ll have the beer pasta, the beer breadsticks, the beer salad with beer dressing on the side, and to drink...uh......hmmm... coolant.
FRY: Wow, party hats and crayons! This is just like when I almost graduated from High School!
PANEL ONE: Leela, choking, and holding her throat. Farnsworth is skeptically drawing on his activities placemat as the rest of the gang looks concerned.
AMY: She‘s choking!
ZOIDBERG: Someone call a doctor who isn’t in the middle of a nice meal!
FARNSWORTH: I must admit, this maze IS challenging...so many, many twists and turns!
PANEL TWO: Leela, on the ground, still holding her throat. Zoidberg is kneeling by her, running a small hand-held instrument over her.
FRY: Help her, Doctor Zoidberg!
ZOIDBERG: According to this medical scanner, she’s already DEAD!
BENDER: HA! Serves her right for not being a ROBOT!
AMY: Um, Doctor, that’s a salt shaker.
PANEL THREE: Zoidberg, salting his arm and licking it with those drippy mouth things, as Fry tries to help Leela sit up. Leela is talking to the smiling and clueless waitress. Visually, for the next bunch of panels, Leela has little swirly spots and designs around her head to indicate that she’s not right, mentally.
ZOIDBERG: Yummmmy! Salted shellfish! >shllluurrpp<
LEELA: Waitress, are you CERTAIN they don’t use oregano in the food here?
WAITRESS: Oh, no. We use only OREGAN-OH’S! brand spice replacement products. They’re synthesized to be 1000% more potent!
PANEL FOUR: The crew, getting off the PLANET EXPRESS ship back at their base, Leela and Fry in front. NOTE: They still have their party hats on. Leela still has the “dizzy spots” around her head.
CAPTION: Later, back at home...
FRY: Uh...Leela, I don’t mean to pry, but...
FRY: Why did you kick that waitress in the head?
LEELA: What are you TALKING about, Fry?
PANEL FIVE: Leela kicking Fry in the head. He makes a stunned face as he gets a good head-kicking, because of the pain caused by the kicking, which is to his head. Hermes is agape. Bender looks suddenly amused an interested.
SOUND FX: paf!
LEELA: I NEVER kicked any waitress in the head!
HERMES: Leela-girl! Whatcha gonna do a thing like kickin’ Fry in the head-bone for?
PANEL SIX: Leela kicking Hermes in the head.
SOUND FX: Wak!
LEELA: I didn’t kick Fry! I don’t know what you’re TALKING about.
HERMES: OW! Dang it all, woman!
ZOIDBERG: She’s HITTING everyone with that sorry excuse for a FLIPPER!
PANEL ONE: Leela kicks Zoidberg in the head while Bender holds his gut and laughs. Leela has her arms crossed and is looking away. We want to convey that she has no knowledge of what her foot is doing.
SOUND FX: Smak!
LEELA: Oh, you guys are just trying to tease me. I’m not kicking ANYONE.
BENDER: Oh, man, this is rich. She doesn’t even KNOW she’s killing you meatbags! hahaha!
PANEL TWO: As Fry and Hermes struggle to rise to their feet, Zoidberg is laid out cold. Farnsworth is scratching his chin, party hat still on. Leela is kicking Bender in the head, repeatedly.
SOUND FX: klang! Klong! krang!
BENDER: Aaaaaaaah! Quit jerkin’ my circuits!
FARNSWORTH: Fascinating! Apparently, her severe intolerance to that particular SPICE has caused her unique cellular structure to react VIOLENTLY without her brain’s consent!
FRY: Yeah, AND she’s kicking us all in the head!
PANEL THREE: Farnsworth pointing at Leela, while Fry looks nervous, rubbing the goosebump on his head.
FARNSWORTH: Fry, go distract LEELA while I come up with an ANTIDOTE!
FRY: But...but...her foot! My head! Remember?
FARNSWORTH: I need Bender to set the TRAP. Go, boy, GO!
PANEL FOUR: Farnsworth and Bender walking away. Bender is rubbing his dented metal skull.
Fry and Leela are OFF-PANEL here.
FRY: Leela, would you just...
SOUND FX: WAP!
FRY: OW! Now STOP i...
SOUND FX: BAP!
BENDER: He’s BONED.
FARNSWORTH: Oh my, yes.
PANEL FIVE: Leela has just kicked Fry, whose face is black and blue, and who has a dopey grin on his face, as he clearly has no idea where he is anymore. BENDER pokes his head around the corner. IMPORTANT NOTE: Bender has a claw trap device on the side of his head. It’s held on with metal straps around Bender’s head. We see the metal straps, but not the claw yet, as he’s hiding it from Leela. Remember she still has the dizzy spots.
FRY: Heh. You’ve kicked me so much, I don’t even feel it any more.
LEELA: Oh, I have NOT. Quit LYING, Fry!
BENDER: Ohhh, LEELA! Could you come here for a minute?
PANEL SIX: Leela is in an almost manga-esque panel, as she leaps through the air with a spinning back-kick towards Bender’s head. Bender is smirking.
LEELA: I’m getting pretty ANGRY about all this TEASING about all this supposed KICKING I‘m supposedly supposed to be doing...!
PANEL ONE : Close-up of Leela’s foot as it’s caught in the claw trap on Bender’s head.
SOUND FX: klick!
PANEL TWO: Leela, standing on one leg, the other caught on Bender’s head claw-trap. We see the backs of the heads of the rest of the gang. Fry is clearly out of it, grinning through his bruises.
BENDER: HA! One MEATBAG in the SIDE POCKET!
FARNSWORTH: She’s trapped! Hold her down so I can inject her with the ANTIDOTE.
FRY: I have noticeable swelling in my brain!
FRY: Happy birthday to me!
PANEL FOUR: Leela’s face as everyone leaps at her.
PANEL FIVE: A big cartoon-like cloud of battle-dust, where we see bits of the characters as they stuggle to hold Leela down. The word balloons come from the dust cloud.
AMY: GET HER!
HERMES: HOLD HER DOWN!
BENDER: BENDER IS GREAT!
PANEL SIX: Leela is in her bed, with the gang standing around her. They all (except Leela and Farnsworth, and Bender of course) have bandages wrapped around their scalps, and Fry has two black eyes. Bender has big dents, but the claw is removed. Fry is whispering into her ear...
CAPTION: THAT EVENING...
LEELA: I’m really sorry about the kicking thing, everyone. I guess I shouldn’t eat Italian food at all!
FARNSWORTH: That’s solid advice for ANYONE, actually, but I’m glad the antidote worked, and you’re totally CURED.
FRY: Hey, Leela, now that you’re not kicking me in the head anymore, how about you and I...
FRY: whisper whisper whisper!
PANEL SIX: Fry, turned away, smiling, not noticing that Leela is about to kick him in the head, her foot inches away from his skull.
FRY: Heh. Yeah, she is so INTO me!
LEELA: (black scrawl)
PUBLIC DISCLAIMER: It’s well-documented that over 80% of Italian restaurant food is now safe for human consumption--enjoy some today!